what a weirdo

“One does not only wish to be understood when one writes; one wishes just as surely not to be understood”

I like that. I got Chris a moleskin journal and it came with stickers with random musings about writing. This one was one of my favorites;  Nietzsche, I think. Ew Ew Ew that was a little cliche/pseudo intellectual of me, yeah? Quoting Nietzsche for lack of my saying anything profound about….. anything? Probably, but in my defense it was totally sub-conscience! (should that have been sub-consciencely? ughh…I need to go back to school)  lol, I’m in a weird mood…..but I only write in this thing when I am in a weird….or bitching…..mood. ANYWAY, i liked the quote. I put the sticker on my laptop.

Working retail is interesting. I remain dumbfounded as to why it hasnt completely annihilated my soul, but I’ve somehow continued to escape the transformation into an emotionally void, monotone zombie worker-Lerin. Nevertheless, I can’t say my disdain for people hasnt grown a little, but not enough to send me home stressed or crying at night. I don’t call in sick when I really just don’t want to come to work SO in terms of past experiences…my job is going alright. Enjoyable at times, even. Especially my co-workers, I’ve met some really spectacular people. Another positive aspect is that it is slightly horrible enough to ensure me that I don’t want to make this my career.

I wish that I could just make people laugh for a living. Provide some type of happy (substance free!) escape for whatever personal hells, big or small, they may be facing. I love doing that on a small scale, with my friends and such. So when people ask me about my future plans then advise me to do whatever makes me happy, I’m kind of at a loss….it doesnt really bring a paycheck. I guess what people mean is ” Pick something sensible that suits you and is safe, makes money etc…” , and I suspect that I’ll eventually cave, be a teacher or something I claim to be planning on……when in all reality I think I’d be way happier owning some eccentric bookstore and  maybe doing some volunteer work for/get involved in Habitat for Humanity or something like that.

My Dad’s church always did this youth trip called Big House, where basically a group of young adults goes around fixing churches/building/fixing houses for people who couldnt afford it, or just as a good deed. I’ve always LOVED this idea and thought it is all church should be about, really. Doing stuff like that. It’d be awesome to make that your life. But Reality (awesome 90s movie reference here) Bites. Anyway, I’m kinda sounding a bit on the lame side right now so I’m going to stop rambling!

so in dealing with frequent bouts of insomnia i’ve been pondering over questions…about life, the universe and everything (+ points if you caught the douglas adams reference). and because i’m in a slightly pissed off mood, be it from pms, the insonmnia, puking all this morning…or whatever….i kinda felt like ranting about all the things that piss me off, frustrate me or make me wonder.

i’ll start with a constant topic of my thoughts…..religion. i consider myself a christian in the simple sense that i think jesus christ was a pretty cool dude to emulate; but really i guess i’m more of a universalist…basically meaning i believe there are various paths we as human beings can take to get to the right place. i think everyone needs to wake up and realize that god (whoever, or whatever your definition of that might be) does not know the word hate. god doesnt hate the buddhists, the atheists, and i’m pretty sure god doesnt hate homosexuals.  i think the best thing we can do if try to love each other, help each other, be kind and understanding. if my accepting and loving my gay friends or my muslim friends is wrong, then i don’t want to be” right.” also, how pompous and close-minded are we to think the theory we’ve been taught and feel the most comfortable with is the ONLY way? that is so narrow-minded and allows for human’s most evil emotion….hate. how can people claim a pure heart when so many of us spend so much time hating others? the truth of the matter is no matter how strong you are in your faith, no one can really know for sure. that’s the beauty of life; if we were supposed to know all the answers they would have been laid down before us. we are microscopic cogs in the scheme of the universe, there is so much that is bigger and greater than us that we will never understand. religion is supposed to be good, yet it has waged so many wars. we’ve corrupted it , and in a way i guess it has always been corrupted.  there are wonderful, beautiful aspects about practicing a faith and i believe and support that part of it, but also think a lot of people need to realize the evils that have come from it and people need to get off their high fucking horse and realize something is wrong. this isnt how it is supposed to be.

and while on that subject, i really dont believe in any of this 2012 apocalypse mumbo jumbo in a literal sense, but in a metaphorical way it is kind of true. no, i dont think satan is going to swoop down in 2012 and there is going to be some huge battle of good vs. evil and that basically, if you’re not a christian you will face imminent death….uh, no. but i do kinda believe in a slow, gradual apocalypse of the human race, and really, we’re doing it to ourselves. one of the “signs” or whatever is famine, and hello? what do we glorify? 6 foot tall, 90 pound women are looked at as ideal and beautiful. i honestly think this should be illegal. we should not be promoting eating disorders! wtf! and i dont care about the bullshit cosmo magazine feeds you that kate moss or whoever “totally pigs out on burgers all the time” and has just always been “naturally svelte”…ok…uh. no. these girls are sick, and what is even more sick is that this is okay. i dont want my friends, little sisters, or daughters to be so blinded be what society thinks is okay, that they, in turn think this is okay. it is most certainly not.

it also really grosses me out that america thinks it is all progressive and awesome for having it’s first black president. yeah, i’m really glad it finally happened. but it is 2009. 2009! racism should have never been an issue. This  just reflects the general mindset of america; and it is pretty embarrassing. We’re supposed to be this big, bad, amazing nation but we’re really backwards in a lot of ways. The fact that there are still racist crimes and the fact that my gay friends cant get married or adopt kids in most of America really makes me want to punch her in her big, red, white and blue face. We can use the slogan ” The Land of the Free” like McDonalds can promote their “Low Fat and Healthy Choice Menu”….wtf….the salad with ranch has as many calories as the Big Mac).  We’re just not there yet. We can’t just be The Land of the Free -sometimes-if -you’re -a- robot- of- the- countries- expectations.

I am just ready to see more kindness, open-mindedness and compassion in my world. I think thats really what is all about. If that was the general cause, things would be a lot better.

uh, so what’s been going on….let’s see

chris and i moved into our own apartment in conroe and we love it! we’ve only been here a month and a half but we’ve made a lot of friends and are glad to be out of the country. i love my new friends.

been slightly annoyed lately amount the juvenile drama thats been unwillingly pooped on me. hahah. seriously though, people grow apart…it’s natural and it’s okay…we all change yada, yada. i’m really not trying to start any OmGdRaMa by being noticeably more distant and apathetic to certain friendships. i just have stopped stressing myself out over people. i’m getting to the age where i don’t really need any “surface level” friends anymore- just bodies to hang out and socialize with. i’m 23; not 18. i dont care about the cool kids, and the parties, and the ultra-hipster over-priced dive downtown.friendship is a little deeper to me now, and that being said i need far fewer of them to satisfy me. i have no harsh feelings, or anything negative to say really about anyone, but i just dont really care about trying to maintain a closeness and connection when it hasnt been there in months and doesnt appear to be coming back.

haha, wow. i sound like im talking about a romantic relationship. it’s kinda the same with all kinds of relationships, though…be it family, a lover or a friend. if youve connected with and have been impacted by someone, you so badly want to keep that connection but eventually it hurts less and is worth less and so you care less.

ultimately you have to be selfish. you can’t achieve true happiness if people around you make you feel bad, or have hurt you. sometimes ( a lot of the time) it’s worth working through and things improve. but then other times, you look at the situation and you can’t answer why the hell you’re holding on. that, in my opinion, is when you can be completely justified in not giving a shit.

I’m about to be 23, and it’s baffling me how I can feel so young but so old at the same time. Sometimes I think I am eternally 15, but then I see 15 year olds and realize they are in an entirely different place, so I feel a little better. When did my world stop revolving around boys, popularity, clothes and angst and start being about bills, my career/ or lack of one, and a possibly marriage in my not-so distant future?

Throughout your life you are technically the same person, but you are constantly morphing and shifting into a different person. It might sound kinda schitzo, but it’s true. Your body changes,your diction changes, your mentality changes,   your priorities change. You may begin to love something you used to hate…or hate someone you used to love.  I am a completely different person than I was at 18, 13, or 5….and so on. Makes me wonder who I will be at 45, and especially 80.  Elderly people have seen the world change into something that would have been unfathomable when they were my age. What unimaginable future will I live in?

anyway, this is like my 828479327498324th shot at a blog. lets see how long this lasts.